If you didn't have a steady piece of action before you got fat, don't plan on it now (you repugnant mother-fucker). However, if you plumped up with a female in hand, you can use the magic of guilt to keep her at your side.

The tactics:

1. Keep a lot of your old non-fatty clothes around, convincing her that you intend to slim down to get back in them again. She'll never know you could care less.
   
   
2. Let her know that she's put on a few pounds too lately (whether she did or not) and that you don't mind it because you love her. Girls are way more self-conscience than guys; use your manly power of callousness, dammit.
   
   
3. Be sure to BATHE. Your sweetie-pie may just start to notice your increasing obesity if you start smelling like a rhinoceros's cunt. My God man, it's only 65 degrees in here!
   
   
4. Falsely update her on the various ways you are making an effort to slim down. Mention to her that you got off the bus a few stops early or complain that you couldn't get low-fat dressing for your lunchtime salad. You'll be able to string her along for years! Be inventive. Remember, she trusts you.

~ fin ~