Sure you can be a slob at home in front of your family, but eating in public can be disastrous if you forget you have a bowling ball attached to your waist.

"There's my other porkchop..!"

Did you notice that there is a gap between you and the table now? That's your ever-expanding belly collecting all the crumbs and gravy that your mouth dropped. You're a fucking slob! If there's anything that will make you look like a whale, it's highlighting your shame with the soup of the day. To avoid certain public humiliation, push your ass back and lean forward while you stuff your face in public. Or shove a napkin in your collar like they do in the cartoons. Personally, I use the "lean forward" trick as it attracts less attention and makes it easier to fart.

Caution must also be exercised for other normal sitting activities. Picking up a pen from off of the floor, for example, can make you throw up in your mouth if you don't spread your legs first.

The "Twist and Lean" method may also be deployed, depending on the relative position of the desired object. Avoiding your belly, rather than working against it, will help you get through the day with at least 20% less grunting.

TIP: You can still easily put on or take off your shoes and socks if you twist your leg sideways, thus taking pressure off of your tons-o-fun.