But then at the miracle age of 22, my body's super-advanced metabolic system began to falter. And falter it did! I tell you, the amount of Hot Pockets and cheese steaks consumed over the next five years is astounding. I could not be stopped!

Pass the Ranch dressing..

What I was left with was a body that could have been a star football player but instead gets winded walking to the toilet. However, I realized can't always be so bad being a fatty-fatty-boom-boom-batty; one simply just needs need to adaopt the right type of philosophy (the dumb and proud type).

Learn from me and you too can hobble the earth as ignorantly. Kiss that new diet goodbye and follow me down the righteous path of irresponsible gluttony.