This is a story I wrote in anger.
I hope you get just as red in the balls as I did.

There is a new menace on the Internet. We all know of the horrid way AOL users tend to use ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, but this new terror goes beyond stupidity. Beyond the shield of ignorance: "Oh, well my Caps lock was in." or "I think it looks cool." No. This new threat to our semi-culture (a Smulture, if you will) goes far past anything we've dealt with before. I am of course talking about the ones who use CAPITALS and lowercase letters in repeated patterns. This is in-excusable behavior for a so-called civilization. These tortuous behaviors seem to stem from a group of invalids I like to call "teen-agers". This is not your average breed of teen-agers though. No. This branch of the species appears to grow in the festering ponds of white suburban America. Nowhere else in the world do you need to give a shout-out to all your girls. When Indian teens come of age, they are sent off into the wilderness for a month or two so they can hallucinate a spirit guide, not go to the GAP to pick up some cargo zip-ups dildos. The Teens in the Middle East are trained to kill this breed of American Scum. So why do these kids feel the urge to write about Russell Crowe and hang at the mall with their friend bug, which claims to have touched A BOOB! Cuz they dumb as G.W.B. These children, for one reason or another, go on-line with each other and "chat" about their worthless hides in this abomination of a style of writing which I have dubbed "Littrocide." No reason, just has a nice ring to it. These acts of senseless violence towards my friends the alphabet gang has gone on for many years, and must be stopped. I say we band together and fight this evil charge of stupidity. All we can do, though, is continue writing in English, for the enemy hasn't a clue how to read it.

For those of you who have brain tumors and can't picture this in your mind, I will give a demonstration of this sacrilege to literature, all in the name of science. Now remember, I do this for the children. This was an E-mail from a girl I don't know. The enemy:

"Hi! I JuSt WaNtEd To SaY HoW CoOl YoU LoOkEd YeStErDaY. AlL ThE OtHeRs WaNtEd To GeT YoUr E-mAiL AdDrEsS. HuGs! ; )

If you can read that, please write down the translation and send it to your local Government building. It must surly contain the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden.