All I ask of the fans of RandomZen.Net is to read this essay with an open mind. Think of how you can relate to the words that I speak when I am intoxicated, and see if they can bring any answers to your meaningless, pathetic, so-called life.

As you sit there reading this on your monitor, there will be times when you will laugh uncontrollably like a drunken, Fishtown whore and you will find yourself squirming your ass in your chair and creating nasty, hard-to-washout, blackened skid marks in your drawls. But in all honesty....

Have you ever found yourself talking to someone face-to-face and they fuck you and dominate the conversation with meaningless words that soon begin to sound like apeshit?

In other words you’re ignoring them. You’ve counted them out. Disposed of them like a three-day old tampon. Secretly wished they could read your mind and see that you are not giving a shit.

I found myself behaving this way lately, but there was an added extra twist. During the rambling I would focus my attention on that person’s personal defect. I would then exaggerate that personal defect in my mind until I could not stop laughing. To the untrained eye, it would seem as if I were coked-up and laughing for no reason.

It's like staring at someone whose talking to you and having the urge to say, "Jesus you've got big lips!" or "Why does your hairline start all the way up there, dude?"

I am currently enjoying ignoring people and at the same time searching for that thing they’re secretly wishing people to overlook. Something they’d like to change, but sticks out like an Asian guy with Afro-centric lips. Something they wish to have removed, or altered or wished they could make their crack-smoking mother pay for.

I often have to restrain myself from laughter when I’m face-to-face with my coworker Scott. This guy’s 23-years-old and his hairline begins at the top of his skull and continues all the way down the back of his neck. And when he tells stories about all the blow he used to do in college he becomes over-passionate with his stories and spit and saliva deposits begin to form in the corners of his mouth.

Or like this Dominican guy at my job who has a really heavy accent and is missing four of his front teeth and when he laughs or smiles he curls his upper lip over the gap and suspiciously makes eye contact with everyone to see if anybody’s noticed the hole in his mouth.

Or like when I’m lollygagging on the shitter at work and some bastard comes into the bathroom and decides to use the stall right next to mine for a quick, smelly double. That makes me sick. It’s a nightmare to be wiping your own runny ass and hear someone relieve themselves of their internal extremities.

But I do not limit the search for personal defects to the bland and timid masses. I often do a self-analysis and probe into my own shortcomings. For instance, I often wonder about how I bore my friend Eugene with endless talk and if he’s ever said to himself, "Damn Tone, you’ve got some huge fucking nostrils!"

Or when I’ve been blowing coffee farts at my desk and I’m caught off guard by the sudden presence of a coworker. If they leave the area quickly, I know that they could smell it. If they hang out for a little bit, they are simply not acknowledging my fart or they are using the smell as an excuse to blow air from their own buttholes.

Did I mention this Dominican guy at my job who has a really heavy accent and is missing four of his front teeth and when he walks into my office I purposely make him laugh so I can get a laugh out of the gaping hole in his mouth?

Or like this cross-eyed dude Bill at my job who knows his eyes are crossed but I try to only look him in the one eye because I don't want him to know that I've noticed his personal handicap that he can't hide because it's on his face.

The next time your are being bored by someone's meaningless jabber, simply focus your attention on their personal defect or insecurity. Stare at their unusually large nose,or their unusually large forehead. Or pretend that they smell bad and pretend to cough in disgust. Whatever the case, staring at someone's personal defect will shut them up and save you from meaningless jabber.