article by Johnny D
Yesterday, Acting President George W. Bush announced his plans to wage war on homonyms.
"Homonyms serve only to confuse and discourage learning among small children, immigrants, and trailer trash." "These similarities between words with vastly different meanings, well, it could only be the work of Satan himself." cried Bush to a select group of White House officials and reporters. Bush decreed that he would have all homonyms removed from America before his presidential term expired.
While this mammoth task would require an incalculable amount of time and government recourses on an enormous scale, Bush stated that a simpler language would be an undertaking necessary for America's continued growth. The removal of homonyms would require a call for local government officials and volunteers to help organize the ongoing event. Plans included mass book burnings to "rid America of thesauruses, dictionaries, and any printed texts containing lists of or usage of homonyms" which Bush announced with an unusual wide-eyed vigor.
Supporters cheered him on by voicing statements such as "now we can finally read more than just the sports section, horoscope and TV guide sections of the newspaper," and "the man at the 7-11 smells funny."
However, not everyone supports Bush on his new quest. Allan Cooper, one of the leaders fighting Bush's anti-homonym campaign, has already compiled several homonyms together and posted them online. "While my new list is wholly [completely] holy [with religious significance], Bush's logic is just holey [perforated]." said Cooper, displaying his apparent lust for diverse verbal communication.
When asked if the anti-homonym pursuit produced significant enough distress to warrant a nation-wide restructuring of the English language, George W. replied by stating that "America will not have to think twice about what went wrong the next time a child [litter] ends up tossed in a dumpster [litter receptacle]." He then added, "...besides, anything starting with 'homo' can't be all that good."
When asked what the possible real motivation behind Bush's anti-homonym attack was, Cooper answered by suggesting, "When Bush is accused of being a cock, pussy or ass, he'd be forced to conclude that they mean that he had animal-like qualities."
Cooper's list, which he states is mostly for reference and continued education, can be viewed online by navigating to http://www.cooper.com/alan/homonym_list.html.
