This Dominican guy at my job made a bet with me that I wouldn't be able to sit in one of our company's wretched, decrepit, fucked-up company bathroom stalls for an hour and eat a cheesesteak with a side of jalapeņo poppers without gagging due to the combined smells of shit, urine and other internal compacts that exit the human body one through an unusually large asshole.

What kind of fucked-up bet is that? I must have been drunk off my ass to accept such a ridiculous wager. But you're reading an essay written by a man who got drunk with a co-worker on his 21st birthday and drove to New Jersey from Philly twice because he was too wasted to make it home and I endangered my friend's worthless life because I was too busy thinking about getting home and pulling my dick repeatedly until white fluid came out of it.

Now I have a girlfriend so pulling my penis with no mercy isn't necessary except when she's on her period or she ain't there to walk in on me and laugh when I am in ecstasy and I laying there with semen on my stomach.

I told this Dominican guy that I would be able to fulfill my end of the bet. All I would have to do is remain positive and in good spirits. I would do that by thinking about the Dominican guy and his fucked up teeth.

You see, he is missing four of his front teeth and when he laughs or smiles uncontrollably, he reveals the gaping hole in his mouth and tries to cover it up with his upper lip and my co-workers and I laugh because he looks around suspiciously to see if anyone has noticed the gaping hole in his mouth.

So I went to the stall with my cheesesteak and poppers and proceeded to eat. Just then, someone came and sat in the stall next to me and proceeded to take a fat, runny, Ugandan dump. I will never forget my experience.

Just as I was swallowing a delicious, runny Philly steak with sauce and all the toppings, a fat Puerto Rican dude came in and unloaded the burritos he had been eating out of his fat, tan colored, unusually large asshole. Fuck!

Hearing someone let out a runny, burrito-filled waterfall of a shit while you're swallowing a fat cheesesteak can make you more ill that Richard Pryor on fucking multiple-sclerosis.

By the way, there's this Dominican guy at my job whose, missing four...yeah we know. I love getting fucked up and writing these essays because I have absolutely no idea what I am talking about. Except for this Dominican guy at my job who brags about his unusually large asshole and when he laughs out loud I laugh because he's missing four of his front teeth and it looks like a North Philly crack-whore with a tan.

Why do I say these things, I dunno. But, in any evet, I lost the bet because I gagged. Shit-filled burritos are not my idea of a good time. And anytime I see a person with no teeth I always remember that Dominican guy at my job....