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By Madam Cuntessa
Ok, bastards listen up cause I got something to say, god damn it. I am gonna let you in a some wonderful words wisdom from everyone's favorite bitter jaded 'lil bitch (aint I nice?). For my first installment of these life lessons, I would like to add the following disclaimer: IF you read this and IF you do not follow the advice I am about to set forth and then come to me an say "blah blah blah, I should have listened," then I will personally hunt you down and say in my always angelic sweet voice "Yes, darling you should have listened but alas you did not so know I am unfortunately going to be forced to break both your shins with a Ball point hammer," so for god sakes listen to me.
ok now pay attention:
- If you are of a larger stature, please do the world a favor and do not under ayn circumstances wear bright colors because no one wants to see it. Stick to browns and tans; the world will be a better place for it, trust me, I took a vote.
- This one goes out to all you Karaoke nuts out there: do me a favor, they do not serve drinks so you can get fucked up and totally destroy classic songs. They serve drinks so we, the other patrons at the bar, can avoid gnawing off our own arms to beat your drunk ass when you're done. Always remember boys and girls, beer and a microphone is a deadly combination. So for the love of all that is sacred (this of course includes me), STOP THE MADNESS.
- Now, that that is over I would like to break form for a minute to offer some friendly advise to some of the people whom I have run across in the course of the last 7 days. First, the man in the green shirt I saw on broad street on Sunday afternoon on my way home from brunch: "KILL YOURSELF" NOW, I don't particularly agree with what drag queens do. I do find that they are a lot of fun to party with (the whole woman's cloths thing is a little weird) but if you are gonna do it, do it right. Do not go out in public with brown Bermuda shorts a (stained) green t-shirt that doesn't even cover your belly, lipstick, 3 sets of cheap gold earrings and a wig that makes you look like you have a dead rodent taped to your head. Oh, and by the way, SHAVE. So yes, the gayborhood had a meeting an it was decided that you need to be destroyed so please throw yourself in front of a bus so I am not forced to do so for you. Thank you.
Next, there are the two young gentleman on the steps of the art museum: the next time you call someone a faggot when they are coming out of a museum and you are just sitting on the steps, remember this demon spawn; some people actually go to the art museum because they want to see art, not to just beg for change. Oh, and children, take some friendly advice, I hope you are comfortable in your 'lil 'ole spot on the step there, you mite as well get used to it cause, darlings, that's gonna be your bed in a few years, yes it is. So children, go spread ignorance elsewhere cause I have no time for it.
Well boys and girls, that's all the time I have for now, but even if these small bits of wisdom can help stop ignorance, hatred, bad fashion, an everything else that is evil, then I have done my job!
Have a nice day,
Madam Cuntessa
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