If all else fails, try your hardest to poop on a bagel. Trust me on this.

One time I walked into a new bar with the lights out. In front of me was a huge gorilla type mirror. I nearly crapped my pants. As luck would have it, though, I just so happened to have a bagel with me. So I grabbed the bagel, Shat on it, and proceeded to wing it clear across the bar with a force that, if it hit, would send milky firm chunks everywhere, including my guitar. Thinking fast, I used my ultra super-sonic powers to run faster than light in front of the wayward pastry (are bagels considered pastry? Ah, who gives a damn.) just in time to catch it in my teeth. (Now, I know you may be finding this story rude and bad-mannered, but don't worry, I was able to set my guitar down before I ran over)

With a cylindrical-baker's-delight in mouth, I now decided to take a stab at the mirror. Without hesitation, I hurriedly channeled all the extra energy in the universe into my eyelids. It kinda stung, but it was mostly just tingly. When I finished the last bit of the ever-brown bagel, I quickly used my ultra super-sonic powers again to shoot out a blast, which would completely destroy our dimension, except it didn't. After the smoke and the radioactive waste left for the night, I could still see that the mirror was in one piece. (The planet blew up from the blast, by the way. I survived because I was really flipping out. Only when you truly flip out can you survive Armageddon. In fact, I saw a couple of other guys floating around out there. They were ninjas, so I suspected they had been flipping out at the time. Anyway...)

With one option left, all I could do was laugh. This laughing intrigued the mirror. Inquiring about my ever-growing insane laughter, the mirror just couldn't help but let his guard down. This is when I whipped out my guitar (Remember that?) and began wailing on it. I didn't know how the guitar was still alive. It still played good, though. The Mirror started to crack under the intense sound vibrations being shot at it. Since nothing was around us for miles and miles, the sound waves really amplified the ultimate power of the guitar. Unfortunately, this power was not quite ultimate enough. I needed to be... More Ultimate! (Ultimater?)

Using my shoe as a makeshift grenade, I threw it at the mirror to buy some time, which worked. All I could do now was use the last of my ultra super-sonic powers to merge into the ultimate cyborg! Half man, half albino record player, and half guitar! When the mirror finally gained control of it's self, I was through my transformation. I had become...BANISHOR, Eater of Other's Cupcakes!!! Knowing that I only had about 5 more minutes left before my fusion would end, I grabbed for the worlds hugest dildo! (Which I kept on my back, since I was so huge in this state.) I wielded the mighty weapon like an ancient katana, and the curve of the huge erect penis resembled the curve of a sword.

With only 5 second remaining, (Pulling out dildos takes a long time. It being the world's largest dildo didn't exactly speed things up, either.) I hammered the cock against my guitar-like chest, hard, creating a sound, which is traveling out in space even today. This broke the mirror into shards the size of Random Zen's penis (small, duh). With victory on my tongue and a huge vibrator in my arms, I cheered and danced for what seemed to be hours. (Being a super cyborg, 5 seconds can last forever.) Unfortunately, the sound wave of the guitar crash wiped out every life form in the universe, causing their heads and asses to implode like the ever-shrinking Random Zen's penis (small, duh).