My vacation to Amsterdam was more than a worthwhile experience. I simply laughed out loud when my girlfriend begged me to take her with me, I was even laughing at her ass as I was waving goodbye to her from the airplane window, thinking, "You sorry bitch, you actually think I'm going to let you ruin my vacation to the Netherlands, the land of the Red Light District and Laotian bitches who like rubber assholes!"

I might as well get a lifetime gift certificate at Murray's or Save-A-Lot and forever indulge in cans of Flabby Black Beef and play with little Laotian girls who like rubber assholes. I might as well visit a surgeon who, from time to time, will stuff 16 grams of coke in his nose and proceed to stick his utensils on me and operate on what appears to be a rubber asshole. On top of that, this coked up, hookednosed surgeon who likes rubber assholes could remove my gallbladder and pancreas, then I, from time to time, would have no choice but to exercise my right as a black, rubber-assholed American and poop on my own person.

I may as well drop my bad habits and become a "nice guy" and stop getting drunk at local bars with Pog and then going to see my friend Mickey who likes to cook up some good heroin in a silver spoon, share the needle with me and then parade around in the streets yelling "Hitler really loved you!" to every person I see wearing a hookednose and sporting a rubber asshole.

It's the language I tell ya, the language. My friend Johnny D is this computer-fixer guy who sold out on the city and moved the suburbs with his girlfriend. Every now and then he tells me that he likes the ideas that I put on paper but he has no idea that I suffer from a case of syrrus dementia, which really means that I am insane, and from time to time I have no choice but to put grams of coke up my nose and make fun of Fishtown toddlers with rubber assholes. What's all this mentioning of rubber assholes who ask? Two words driven into my fucked up brain because when I was little, my mom use to beat me in the head repeatedly because she was upset at the fact that my father used to slap her around like a pissmonkey before finally running off to Ohio with a white woman.

"Rubber asshole - (adv.) 1.
An asshole made of rubber, as in your anus has been fucked over and over and over and in order for you to continue taking a normal shit like other human beings, doctors must remove the ragged abyss that was once your usually large anus and replace it with a rubber asshole.
2. A name said to another human being in hopes of degrading them, an insult, i.e. sandnigger, whoremonger. The teacher said Johnny was acting like a rubber asshole when he called Wanda a fat, black, Jamaican nigger-whore.

Amsterdam is an awesome city. It's full of raggedy, white people who just don't give a shit. No one cares about what name brand of clothing the next person is wearing, because most of the people shop at the local thrift stores. And when the local peachbooties get tired of wearing the same goddamn pair of jeans and underwear, we would just switch clothing with each other to keep it interesting.

Nevermind that I often felt the itch of mini-microbes from wearing Pierre's boxers (Pierre is a dude that rented a rubber bicycle to me on the outskirts of Hamdenbuergen or whatever the fuck it's called and when he stood still long enough, his nose would run a glossy stream of snot and if you investigated closely you would notice that stream of mucus was saturated with small cocaine deposits.) I also noticed that when he laughed or smiled he had a gap on his gums like this Dominican guy at my job who's missing four of his front teeth and when he laughs or smiles he uses his rubber lip to cover the gaping hole in his mouth and on top of that he will suspiciously make eye contact with me to see if I've noticed the hole in his mouth or the fact that his upper lip is artificial and it's usually stained with peanut butter and Miracle Whip. The artificial plastic used to attach the lip to the upper mouth is a biodegradable plastic, the same substance used at this factory in Wisconsin that manufactures rubber assholes on an assembly line. Sick person writing this essay and I usually go off on tangents and make fun of anyone with a big fat hooknose. Take a minute to look around your current environment and laugh out loud uncontrollably if you notice anyone with a hookednose.

Most natives of Amsterdam appear unshowered or are missing most of their teeth from strenuous drug use. So when I saw someone who was clean in appearance, it was safe to assume that they were probably American tourists looking for a goodtime in the Red Light District. I found it astonishing that I could walk into a cafe-like storefront and order a $10 bag of weed (like you would order a Corona at a bar here.)

I smoked myself silly and then laughed out loud every time a native with dirty skin came around. One Sunday morning I smoked up and then went to a Christian church and sat in the back row and listened pastor spit and sweat, talking about how Jesus was going to save my soul from sorrow and Hellfire I personally think Jesus was a cokehead who sported a rubber asshole.

The fucked up thing was that I must have ruined the image of the black man in the eyes of the Dutch because the fucking pastor's tone of voice was exactly like Homer Simpson's. Every time he opened his mouth to speak I swore it were Homer talking to congregation of dirty Europeans who share each other's underwear and from time to time can't help but stick their fingers in their buttholes to relive the intensity of the crabs, louse and mini-microscopic microbes that are biting and lunching away on their dinkleberried, rubber assholes. So what exactly am I getting at?

To be continued.......