I've never been happier.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I told her that her pussy was too big. It was an exhausted pussy, beat up like an old pair of Venus Williams tennis shoes. She wasn't happy either when I sent a letter home from Amsterdam's Red Light District detailing how I used some American dollars to bag three Hookers at the Hilton. Hey, they served me breakfast in bed after I served them. You see, the difference was they all had smaller pussies, not big huge pussies that are beat up like an old used like Mother Teresa's underwear, or like some size seven sandles worn seven years by a Christmas hobo.

So now I am forced to write my essays from the public library or the school lab because I've been kicked out of my apartment and am currently homeless. But the good news is that I am single. Oh yeah, I got fired too. But forget about that shit. One of the funniest things I did to get myself laid by three cream-skinned Dutch hookers (besides the money) was show them an old pic of me in NYC in front of the twin towers. I told them that I had Jedi magic and made the Twin Towers reappear. Cruel, I know, but they are just stupid hookers who played with my penis like play-dough.

During the train ride home, I pulled an old year book out of a bag and came across the picture of this loner who use to sit in the very back row of Mrs. Morris class at Blue Ridge Elementary School. His name was Joshua Rubin JuJesuitz. I used to think that Joshua Rubin JuJesuitz sat all the way in the back because he was trying to avoided Mrs. Morris. Mrs. Morris was a 400 pound gorilla of a woman who did drugs back in her day and in her old age, the karma of drug use took effect so she had scoliosis and a hunched back. She look like a fucking freak show, 400 pounds and hunched over like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park.

But the true reason this Joshua Rubin JuJesuitz was so isolated is because he was an awkward Polish Jew who always tucked his shirt in and Jewish and he knew that no one in Mrs. Morris class liked people who tucked their shirts in. It's not that I am anti-Semitic, or against people who tuck their shirts in for that matter, but I really felt funny around the concave-nosed, Joshua Rubin JuJesuitz.

Joshua JuJesuitz had an unusually large nose that was hooked and concave. He never sat at the lunch tables with any of the others. While most kids like myself were the products of drug-addicted welfare recipients and had to indulge in the free lunch program consisting of refried beans, soy-bean burgers and left over rigatoni, Joshua Rubin JuJesuitz had proper parents. These two Semitic peoples would pack Joshua JuJesuitz a healthy serving of gifilte fish, matzo balls, Kosher crackers and cottage cheese on a daily basis because they were self-righteous, hooknosed Jews. He would wash that down with Jewish grape juice because he loved the stuff and did I mention that he had a gigantic hooked nose and it made a noise sound like a Jewish nasal congestion. He was also a Hebrew and his name was Joshua Rubin JuJesuitz.

The Polish Jew named Joshua JuJesuitz would also have the best clothes, make the best grades, and answer all the questions correctly in class. I closed the yearbook once I got to Philadelphia, and upon arriving home, I found my stuff in the front of the apartment, stinking from the rain that had soaked it with "Dear John" letter underneath. Or should I say "Dear Fuckin Two-timing Bastard!" Anyway, this is my story, and I'm sure I'll rebound in no time. As for now, I will continue to drink vodka, take trips to exotic places, screw cream-skinned woman, and, on occasion, stuff a certain amounts of cocaine up my nose.

After Mrs. Morris' third grade class at Blue Ridge Elementary School, I completely forgot about Joshua JuJesuitz. I put him out of my mind. Since then, I've met many other characters along the way including a girl who has no gallbladder who shits her panties, a bigheaded Ukranian bartender who reminds me of that guy from "The Goonies" and this Dominican guy that we all know about.

What the fuck am I getting at?