As I was meditating the other evening I thought about my worth, my true value as a human being.

I wondered why I had an unusually large ego.

I thought about how I smugly carry myself like a man with a yard-long dick.

I thought about how I step on others and then scrape them off like animal shit on your shoe.

I finally wiped my ass, flushed the toilet, and watched the two logs I had set free play spin city down the commode. It hit me like a SEPTA bus, I am worth no more than fifty cents.

If you take my body and analyze it, you will find that it is made up of 66% water. The other third of me is divided into two parts: flesh and bone.

The flesh is a product of earthly composites such as mud, sand, the pinworms that entered my mother through the soles of her feet, mold, donkey shit, and other plastics and scraps that are not biodegradable.

The bone is an even mix of marrow and calcium. If you were to cremate this flesh and bone in an unusually large oven, only ashes would remain. If you then compressed those ashes with snot and glue in a compressor, the only remains would be a little brown pill, roughly six centimeters long and two centimeters wide.

You could then put me in a small, medicine-like bottle with 399 others like myself and label me candy corn. I would be on the shelf next to the Raisinettes and gefilte fish and I would be priced at roughly fifty cents...